Our Ride Home.

Had my first ride home conversation with Jackson yesterday. Even though it was all yes and no questions, he was responding to every one with a yeah. It went something like this…

Picked Jackson up from daycare. Say hi and get my hug and kiss. He is all smiles to see me, knowing it’s time to go home.

M – Did you have a good day?

J – Yeah.

M – Were you good today?

J – Yeah.

M – Okay.

Miss Mackenzie confirms that he had a really good day. We get his things together, tell his teachers bye and head out.

M – I missed you today. Did you miss me?

J – No Answer.

M – Do you want to go home and swim? (I have his attention now.)

J – Yeah!!!

M – Okay. Let’s go!

We get in the car. I get my other kiss as I buckle him in and we’re on our way home.

M – Did you play with your friends? (It’s a question I’ve been asking more of, cause I want him to know that his peers can be his friends and because I want him to have friends.)

J – Yeah.

M – Did you play outside today?

J – Yeah.

M – Did you do a good job at speech (therapy) today?

J – Yeah

We’ll have to verify that answer with Dad, lol.

M – (Because he’s communicating so well I ask again), you want to go home and play in the pool?

J – Yeah!!!, as he gets all excited and beams from ear to ear.

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My heart was melting through all of this. This little boy is such a curious thing to me. So focused into the conversation yesterday, now wondering how I can get him to do it everyday.


Am I that exhausted?

YES! I’m mentally drained.

Between my work, therapy appointments, scheduling therapy appointments, incorporating therapy into our everyday routines, house chores, and all the other mumbled thoughts that travel through my brain… I am absolutely fucking exhausted!

It is somewhat of a terrible realization to come to the understanding that this is how your life will always be; therapy, therapy, therapy to consider, therapy to try, and more therapy. And with this realization you notice that even though you have so many people in your life, working with and for Jackson, it is still an extremely exhausting road…and a lonely one.

My husband is GREAT and I couldn’t go through this journey without him. But with that said, he is a man and a handsome one at that. He feels, considers and sees things completely different than I do. What he deems important and what I do are usually polar opposites. What hurts me and keeps me up at night, he snores away too. His motto, everything will work out for the best and they usually do, but that doesn’t help my frantic mind. Praise be for my calm and collective man.

My folks are wonderful parents, and I do rely on them quite a bit. But they only see and hear a fraction of what is going on because I only share what I’m wanting to. I know this is my fault, but I know that just dumping everything on them isn’t fair either. I appreciate all their head nods and helpful suggestions, but sometimes that just doesn’t work.

I really could just use a mom, around my own age, going through this autism rollercoaster that needs a friend as well. Someone that gets it, that we can bounce ideas off each other, talk about our thoughts, fears, frustration cause we know how the other is feeling. I’ll totally be her friend, friendship bracelets and all!

13582128_1219784284729016_1541230737277017431_oBecause there are times that nobody gets it or understands this loneliness, this heartache, this exhaustion, this life. There are times I have to drag myself out of the black hole I fall into, smile and get myself back on track before I lose myself completely. I just recently came out from one of these and admitting it makes me feel like a shitty mother and wife but it’s better to acknowledge it, improve and move on from it than to continually dwell on it.

I know and understand that our situation could be 10 times worse, that there are parents and families going through so much more. I am thankful for what we have accomplished, that through hard work, advocating and dedication we are where we are today with Jackson.

However, that doesn’t diminish my feelings. It is more of a point of reference for me to see how far we have come and how much farther we can yet go. Maybe with Jackson starting kindergarten, luck may provide me with an autism mom friend, we’ll go do coffee…or wine. Fingers crossed!

As I am exhausted, I’m going to bed now. Rant over. Good night.

One of those days…

Last week I had a very difficult day and needed some time to regroup before I actually wrote about it.

I took Jackson to his occupational therapy session last Wednesday. He was in a great mood that morning, smiling and talkative and he continues to be in this mind frame most of the time these days which is awesome. I thought things would go well since our speech session had been cancelled and we would just be focusing on the occupational session that morning. Going into the room he was hesitant as he is still becoming used to it but so am I, as there is SO much going on with floor to ceiling paintings of the Jungle Book on all four walls. He wanted to leave from the beginning and kept signing to me ‘all done’ and trying to escape. I then had to dip, dodge, duck, dive and dodge (movie reference) to keep his attention away from leaving and try to maintain/help him focus on the tasks given to him by the therapist. Needless to say after 12 minutes of this back & forth, I was exhausted and said so verbally…which I then immediately regretted. I never like to admit that I’m defeated, especially out loud of all things.

02fcf1a9ba55a9e96c7b8b6c585aa638It took another 5 minutes for Jackson to become engaged with the activities we were trying to have him complete and for the next half hour we worked on skills that he was interested in and we could keep his focus on, as his attention span is a fickle thing. But then enough was enough. Jackson came over to me, popped himself in my lap and refused to engage. Each time we tried he would push back on me, twisting and contorting his body and I would either have to brace myself so we both didn’t fall over or I would have to hold onto him so he didn’t smash his head into something as he kept throwing himself around. I would have totally moved him off me but he has strength of a grizzly bear, there was no budging him. During this lovely display of affection (not) he starts pushing at me, which was usually in the mouth, as I’m telling him to stop and asking him to calm down. This is how the rest of the 15 minute session went, a lot of resistance with nothing accomplished.

Funny part, my husband had taken him the last two weeks and had experience nothing compared to this charade (unless he’s lying, the big liar!) but she said this was the most tasks he has done in a session. So I left quite confused on what success means to this therapist, along with being physically sore and exhausted.

I hate therapy sessions like this. They feel like such a waste of time when he doesn’t want to cooperate. Then I get mad/angry, why do things have to be so damn hard, so damn difficult at times. More than a person can handle. Even the therapist knows it’s a bit much when she’s trying to explain to my screaming child to be nice to mommy and trying to take some of the load off me. What an ordeal, but I’ll keep trudging on till it’s my turn to go again. I do what needs to be done for Jackson, always have and always will.