Originally written 12.23.16
This week has been one roller-coaster week. It’s no wonder I cried twice, okay three times, when watching Moana today, in the theatre to boot. The week started out rough, well to be exact last week ended rough and this week started even rougher.
Last Saturday, we had planned to do all these fun things with J but life & weather got in the way and we just couldn’t make it work. We did get out for a quick lunch, that was interpreted by a completed meltdown. J was watching Nemo for the billionth time but freaked out yet again over Nemo getting captured by the scuba drivers. (understandable.) I went 3 shades with this episode but we were able to quickly usher him out of the restaurant. Then the rest of the day was just okay. Woke up Sunday in a funk and that is how I stayed for the day. Nothing I tried could get me out of it. Didn’t help that we made a lot of candy for J’s teachers at school but while packing it up, realized it had cashews in it. It’s a no nut school. Mom Fail!
Then Monday happened. I originally wrote this that afternoon. – Today I was the lowest point of myself ever. I don’t think I was even myself but some horrible monster version of myself. I screamed, yelled, spanked (twice) and withheld affection from J this morning. I completely fell apart, all because he didn’t want to cooperate which is like any other morning. I did feel that it was little worse than any other day though, not that it forgives the way I acted. I had promised him last night that this week was going to be better than the off weekend we just had. Today he fought me, like he always does, at certain times for the things he didn’t want to do or the thing he wanted but I wasn’t letting him have due to his behavior (iPad). But today, instead of the normal whining and fussing, he came after me. Scratching, hitting, trying to bit, kicking and I just lost it, all my logical reasoning was gone. I was the worst of me. I’ve never wanted a redo as much as I wanted one this morning. I was awful, mean. I literally hate myself for my behavior. After my episode, I was able to calm down and finally got down to his level. He sat on my knee and embraced me. ME! The one that had just acted so appalling. I hugged him so tightly back, crying, telling him I was so sorry, how I loved him so much. He still fought me as I got him into his coat and out the garage to the waiting bus (shrug). He wouldn’t say goodbye to me, just crunched up his face. I plan to spend every minute possible, every minute he’ll allow me, with him. I can’t change or erase what I did but I can damn well do anything I can to make sure my terrible actions don’t occur again. On a side note, I have to figure out how to make our mornings work better. I know there’s something I can do to help this, just need to figure it out.
The rest of the week was okay, things seemed to get better and back on track. It was definitely a one-day-at-a-time week. The most important thing was I was able to keep cool and remain level headed without any bumps in the road.
By Friday, I was looking forward to our four day Christmas weekend. Lance and I took J to see Moana. He did so well sitting through it (except for the 20 minutes! of previews but even I was having a hard time through that too), even if dad had to be the human couch throughout the entirety of the movie. We were able to go to J’s favorite restaurant for lunch, Red Robin. It’s quite funny, he loves eating there and is good for the first 10 minutes until he realizes he can ask to watch a movie. We came home after that. I took a nap (I’m the queen of naps), while J and Lance played ‘quietly’ and watched TV. Then we got ready to visit friends which was such a nice time and J did well again, and then out for an early Christmas dinner with my folks. J did so well with the whole day, as did I. No meltdowns or unwanted tears but plenty of smiles, handholding, hugs and giggles.
It’s crazy how the week started off as bad as it could possibly get and in five days we had the best day ever with J. It’s a lesson I seem to have to learn over and over again. J and I had a bad day, so what. I have to pick myself up and learn from it, move on, move forward. The decisions and the way I act this minute don’t have to affect the decisions and the way I act the following day or even the following hour. There will always be bumps in our day, J has autism, it’s a given but I make the day I choose to have, no one else, but me.