A few weeks ago on our weekly Sippycup Cocktails podcast I lied. We did an episode of 20 questions, love map exercise, and one of the questions was ‘What is one of my greatest fears or disaster scenarios?’ Lance was right in his answer, I do have a tendency to fear all natural disasters, but ultimately I lied. I wasn’t ready, wanting, willing to dive into what my greatest fear is but here’s the truth.
I am scared to tears and panic attacks of what will become of J when we are gone. I am terrified of him being used, taken advantage of, mistreated, abused, unloved, uncared for, isolated when are aren’t here. Who will watch over him, look out from him, care for him, love him as much as Lance and I do? Who will take the time to understand him when he is going through something that he can’t express, when he has a meltdown? He is so precious to us and my heart hurts for his future when Lance and I are no longer here. How will he be able to understand what has happened, will he be able to, or for the rest of his life will he be asking for us?
I understand that he is only 6 and he has so much more growing and developing to do but this is causing me so much stress right now and I wish I understood why. We are even in the process of establishing a Will and Special Needs Trust but I’ve been a bag full of fears these recent months. We special needs parents have so much more on the line for our child than ‘normal’ parents do. Our goals, needs, and wants are for our child is to be able to take care of themselves in the most basic self-care ways and with the hopes of so much more.
We went to the pumpkin patch yesterday. When in line to pay for our tickets there was an man with special needs and his caregiver in front of us. Though she was pretty good with him, didn’t rush him to get his money out to pay or push him along so the next person could pay, I would have appreciated if it were my son if she would have answered his questions about what they were doing there and what they were going to see. I did wonder why they weren’t with a group though and it was just the two of them. My thoughts drifted to J then and that this may be him some day and I’m okay with that, I just want the absolute best for him when we aren’t around, like I do now. It’s the unknown that kills me, the unknown that is unbearable.
I know this isn’t something I should dwell on. Dwelling on it takes away from the here and now that I want and should be enjoying to the fullest extent possible. There is so much to enjoy with J, even among the most trying of days.
So, I’ve decided I can’t die, nor Lance. It just isn’t feasible.