Why I journal.

I journal for a lot of different reasons…

To stay organized. A lot of what my journal consists of is lists; to-do lists for housework, to-do lists for Jackson, blog prompt lists, podcast idea lists. Making lists help me through our busy life. Having the ability to check things off gives me a feeling of completion so I can move forward. Having this visual helps a lot.

To make a quick entry of an idea, memory, moment in time, short little blurbs of things that pop into my rambling brain. I write down quotes, websites I need to check into, craft ideas, etc. I partake in journal prompt ideas to get my writing juices flowing. I journal to blog, like this piece you are reading now.

To release both the good and the bad that is taking place within my personal life and within the life of my family. I find it hard a lot of the times to express myself verbally and doing so in written form comes so much easier. It gives me time to think and reflect. I write a lot of entries, but many will never surface on this blog. I share what I think shows a rounded true picture of the event and/or emotions that are taking place.

To share, to show others what life as an autism parent is like. To let others parents going through this journey know they are not along with their feelings or experiences. I follow a few other bloggers and autism groups too. Having them helps provide support, ideas and resources against going through this alone.

I don’t journal and then blog for pity. Though most of my emotions may seem sad, frustrating or angry that is because I need to definitely release these at times. When things are going good I often forget to write those times down. I sometimes wonder if that is a product of the world we live in.

I write for understanding, acceptance and awareness of the child we have, the type of parents we are, and all those living with or affected by autism whether themselves or through a loved one. Hopefully through my writing, people are keeping an open mind about judging those they don’t understand. To not be so quick to judge those who are different and their caregivers.

I journal because I love writing, I blog to share a glimpse into our life.

 

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Foster/Adoption Woes

  • I don’t know whether to be upset or not.
  • Maybe it just wasn’t meant to be.
  • Will I regret, reconsider, always have doubts?
  • Would I change what has been if I could have what I think I want now?
  • Maybe we are suppose to be just us 3.
  • I can’t believe how hard it is to become adoptive parents. Didn’t know parents seeking permanency was such an ordeal? Was such a big deal!
  • Maybe this is officially the universe’s way of telling us this path isn’t truly ours to take.
  • OR maybe it’s the results of a screwed up system.
  • We’ve really come into our own this year, as a family, as a marriage, with J.
  • Maybe this is just how it’s suppose to be.
  • It’s still sad.
  • But I don’t know what our future holds.
  • It’s just disappointing and feels like the classes we took over the summer to become foster/adoptive parents was a waste of time, was for nothing.
  • Maybe (or I know) this decision will allow us more time and funds to go towards J and his needs.
  • Allow more time and funds for us as a family to enjoy; events, outings, hobbies, travel.
  • I just want to do what is right for my family, for J.
  • Maybe fate thinks our hands are full and that we don’t need to add to it.
  • I know I can’t have another child myself. I know my mind, body and sanity can’t go through that again.
  • What if we have another autistic child, more severe or with other development issues that are genetic?
  • It’s not plausible, I’m not able.
  • I see everyday where parents have one autistic child and more children OR multiple children with autism, that their lives are so much more difficult than ours is.
  • To have a foster/adopted child would present unique challenges, I get that.
  • So again maybe the universe/God is telling us we aren’t equipped, able or needed for this path.
  • Still sad, sad that we won’t be able to have a little one, a sibling, a friend for J.
  • Maybe I’m at times too focused on the future to appreciate what I have in front of me and I need to do that first.
  • I hope I come to terms with this.
  • I hope I figure out what I want to do, where to go from here.
  • To be told 3 separate times that foster care isn’t going to work for us since our ultimate goal is permanency from the system, I’m taking the hint.
  • And drinking a glass of wine.
  • Enjoying and appreciating and loving our own, putting all my energy in to him so as not to feel this void.

I wrote this December 19, 2017. We had learned on October 30, 2017 that the agency we took our foster classes from was not going to accept us as foster parents since our goal was to adopt a little one aka become permanency parents. Due to their current list of permanency parents waiting, they weren’t going to be able to take another family on. It was quite the blow.

I then reached out to the states foster parent association, little help came from them. Reached out to another two agencies and received the same responses from them about needing foster parents over parents wanting to adopt. I even contacted our initial agency again which is where the above list came from after being told that since we wanted permanency is the first place that going back to the foster perspective wouldn’t be a good solution to our need/want.

Were do we go from here? Only time, thinking, talking and a glass of wine and whiskey once in a while will tell. I hope sooner rather than later.