That’s usually my answer to anyone who ventures to ask how I’m doing.
Is how I’ll answer when asked how Jax is doing or how school is going for him.
There’s reasons behind these vague answers.
Who really wants to hear about the trials and tribulations of an autism parent. How hard it is. How lonely and sad it can be, depressing. How the bad days are many compared to the good ones spotted here and there. How as a parent I feel like I’m failing my son day after day, even though day after day I tell myself it will get better and day after day I try to parent better, have more patience, engage more but let him have his space.
Who wants to really hear the milestones and improvements J is accomplishing? How can they relate to the fact that my 7 year old; is starting to use two syllables when communicating whether coherent or not, is getting better at writing his name with hand-over-hand assistance or imitating straight lines vs squiggly lines, is learning 11-20 number recognition or about the weather or understanding opposites?
Who really wants to know that J wakes up at 3am consistently because that is his internal alarm clock therefore I’m awake too, that he is not yet potty trained and I don’t know if he’ll ever be, he still loves oral sensory input, that his favorite game is hide-and-find while his favorite activity is car rides, that he isn’t writing stories or making art to take home for Mom & Dad to see and no one what’s to hear that when he gets over excited/simulated he bites himself or us?
Who wants to hear about how I struggle daily to engage with my son or how difficult it is for him to allow me to enter his world? How when I’m allowed, it’s pure joy but to get to this point is a lot of work, (work worth doing) and that I wish more people would try to do with J.
No one wants to know that Lance & I have to continually tell each other that we got this, that it will get better or that we apologize to the other when J lashes out on them. No one wants to know that bruises, scratches, scars, tears, are part of my everyday life now. That I’m already upset knowing that one day we’ll probably have to put J on meds for his aggression. That I hide this part from everyone including myself or it becomes to much to bear. That if you asked me now, I still couldn’t express all of this verbally.
I’m fine. He’s doing good.
Our life is so removed from everyone else I know. To explain it in full context would be like explaining biophysics to a 3 month old, it’s just not possible.
I love my son beyond words and I wish I could express all aspects of him, how both challenging and special he is, how he both frightens and amazes me. I just haven’t found my physical voice to do so yet and even here on my blog I’m reluctant. Because who really wants to know, who really wants to take an interest? It’s been heard, read and moved on from. It’s just another autism story.