The amount of tears, silent tears, that I’ve cried at my desk over my child are too numerous to count.
I just made the hardest call I’ve had to make so far as J’s mom. A call to his doctor to discuss a behavior medication solution. A call to ask for help handling my child. My child that has finally gotten too big for me to handle alone without the assistance of another adult when his aggression behaviors overwhelm me. It was a call that had to finally be made after weeks and weeks of scratches and bruises and scars from a child that I love so damn much that it hurts but that I am unable to help.
I can’t continue to be his punching bag. I can’t continue to have him come after me when he doesn’t get what he wants because he can’t or doesn’t know how to manage his emotions. I can’t be afraid of my son.
J went back to school today. I’m glad that Spring Break is over, but I would really love to be over his behavior challenges…I literally had to stop writing this due to another behavior incident.
It’s really starting to get to me. I think my body is reacting very negatively to all this stress. When I’m with J, these behavior incidents almost take everything I have to get through them. I’m always on the ready, on the defense, waiting for what I say and/or what he doesn’t get to throw him into being a combative kid.
This evening escalated quickly with negative behaviors. He just wasn’t happy about anything we did or didn’t do and he was tired. This resulted in lots of hitting which led to an early bedtime. It was almost 20 minutes of hell, that left me exhausted and Lance ready to roar.
We got through it though, even with tears but also with a few smiles and laughs at the end.
Plus we received some information back from J’s doctor about trying a medication to help calm him to assist with his behavior issues. They just need to make sure it won’t interfere with his seizure medication. Hoping we can get this figured out soon as we are truly in need of a reprieve.
This morning was pure hell! Woke J up and he was instantly angry with me. He was angry for being woken up, for being unable to understand his own emotions maybe.
I finally got him into the bathroom but because I was expecting us to follow our normal routine and he wasn’t, the aggressive behavior started right up. It resulted in me bawling through his hits, scratches and yelling at me. To some degree I think it shocked him to see me like this, in turmoil and pain, because he kind-of did back off. Or maybe it was just the fact that I finally finished getting him ready so he was able to leave the bathroom.
I was thankful the rest of the morning went okay. But I did have another session of tears after J left for school. It was definitely needed; to collect myself, to let it all out, to be able to move on.
Coming home was kind-of an anxious trip, wondering how this evening would go compared to the previous night. I was shocked with how it all turned out. We had smiles and giggles again, a few attempts to hit but those were quickly de-escalated. It felt so good to have an easier night. I wish I could figure out what is or what has been troubling him so we could have more nights like this again.
We are starting his new behavior meds tomorrow. They are supposed to help calm him, keep him more relaxed and less anxious. I also got a new consulting appointment for a behavioral therapist, even though it’s not until mid-April it’s in the right direction. And I reached out to his school resource teacher for additional assistance, as any help is appreciated. I also made a wellness appointment with my doctor, gotta take care of me too.
A much better day with J. I had one small sock fiasco this morning but I was finally granted permission to change his socks.
Started his new meds.
He took a morning nap at school but being up since 4:30am might have caused that.
He was also very quiet, calm and so tired this evening to the point that his eyelids where drooping. He even sat with me, snuggled too, which hasn’t happened in weeks. There was no aggression of any kind.
He was quite a different kid tonight.
We’re watching him closely, making sure his new meds aren’t the result of all these changes but possibly due to his self imposed early wake up call. We don’t want him to turn into a zombie. I’m anxious to see how the coming days go. We would love a calm and collective J but who remains himself.
Another better day with J. A typical morning routine, one that included working to get him out of bed but didn’t include any aggression. He had another good day at school, with no nap, even though he was up at 4:30 again. We did unfortunately find out that he’s had some aggression issues at school this week, but they are only seeing it when he gets tired or upset at something. I am again thankful for his school support staff and their understanding.
We had another good evening at home with no aggressive behaviors but he sure was tired again. However, that worked out for my benefit as he curled up with me and fell asleep. I don’t care how tall my child gets, I will always be willing to curl up and snuggle with J. Even though he can barely fit in my arms and lap for the time being, any chance I get to do that is a plus.
Again, I’m not sure if the new meds or the early wake up is the reason for his tiredness but I’m going to assume it’s a little of both. It will take some time for his system to get used to the new meds. But I am happy with the change in behaviors thus far.
Another good day with J. We took him out to lunch and for a shopping trip with only one minor hiccup. Came home for a movie and then J took a nap.
On the way to my folks is when the issues started. Pretty sure he thought we were going to leave him once we got there like we did two weeks ago for our date night. He started acting out in the car and once we arrived wouldn’t get out which lead to him hitting again. It didn’t help that he had an accident on the way over so he was already anticipating that clean up and change of clothes.
After about 30 minutes of finally getting him out of the car, into the house and changed, we both were ready for a beer.
There was one more minor challenge after that with his iPad but that was over quickly.
The rest of the evening was good. I’m happy that though he still went to hide in Papa & Ma’s bedroom (his chosen space), he came out from time to time to check on us and see what we were doing.
It’s all about one day at a time.